Fear

As a child I used to get very scared of a lot of things, to that point where I was terrified on the inside. It wouldn't be a sort of horror movie fear but more a long lasting (days and sometimes what might have felt like weeks) gut-wrenching feeling that I would wake up with every morning and go to sleep with at night. There would be moments in the day where things felt clear and OK, but they weren't.

This would often be triggered by something tiny, such as an argument as to what day of the week was officially the beginning of the week? Weird? Yes, I know, but at the age of nine it bothered the fuck out of me. Other times it would be because I did something I thought my ridiculously strict parents would kill me for and if my siblings found out, they would induce that fear in me further, whether it was for their pleasure or they believed it was that bad too. I wouldn't want to go to school for weeks where I would throw up every morning in hope I wouldn't have to go and want to be on my own with my own thoughts where it would fester even more. It wouldn't be easy to read that I was scared of anything, my family would think I was normal and so would friends as I never expressed it or showed it. But that always felt horrible, it was an almost unshakable feeling, to the point I would be close to crying and sometimes actually would.

I haven't felt like that since I was probably 11. I learnt to deal with fear better and rationalise my problems with greater ease. It was no longer this long lasting terror of 'bad', but a manageable set of depressing issues. I have experienced depression since then and all other emotions but not that ever since.

Today I felt that again for the first time since a boy. Again, it's not triggered from anything bad but I can't help getting that feeling. I know why it is but I won't disclose it here. Not yet at least, but I'm not enjoying it. It's strange how these things happen and maybe the next few days or weeks will test me in a way I haven't been emotionally tested in a while.

A friend of mine told me recently that I'll have to go through this feeling again and again and it will be inevitable and I'm listening to that voice as it goes along so to that person, thank you because I know it's meaning and I know you were right.

Letting go

There are a couple of bad party tricks I've done on people which has usually received one of two reactions;  surprised or pissed off. One trick is fairly simple where you supposedly read the persons mind and guess an item and it's colour correctly. The reaction that interests me is where the person gets the pissed off. I've noticed people don't necessarily like the idea that they themselves are easily manipulated or that they are fooled easily (although the 'trick' doesn't require any manipulation or ironically, trickery). It's a feeling that is understandable as it ultimately exposes a weakness in our makeup, an inherent flaw that may not be obvious so is actually surprising to the person that they are weaker then they thought they were.

What we often fail to realise is that we are all, to similar levels flawed in the same ways. Differences in certain flaws may be due to genetic mutations or inheritance of other attributes e.g. people with aspergers syndrome have the unique difficulty in empathising with other people, a trait that  many of us are born with. Some 'normal' people may lack empathy too but this is usually derived from social upbringing, their physical ability to be empathetic is still there.

Being someone who is fascinated how the mind works and why we do things the way we do, my research has led me to find out some interesting and sometimes scary flaws that we have. One interesting one is called the McGurk effect, first written about in 1976 by Harry McGurk and John MacDonald in a paper called "Hearing lips and seeing voices". If you take a sound recording that says "Ba" and a separate video with no sound where a persons face is mouthing "Fa", when you play the "Ba" sound whilst looking at the face where the mouth is making a "Fa" shape, you cannot help but hear the word "fa" as long as you are looking at the mouth. This is not a one off surprise. If you do it again despite knowing what the sound is, you will still hear "fa", you have no physical choice in this. If you don't believe me, just search for examples on Youtube, where you should find a clip from a BBC Horizon programme that demonstrates it.

This may seem like fun but it also highlights something frightening considering our justice system still uses witness statements with a high degree of value where forensic evidence is not available. Much psychological research has shown that witness statements are unreliable. Many factors can influence what we see, hear or remember to hear. Our brains recreate memories and fill in certain gaps to stories even though they seem like vivid true memories. It's usually autistic people who can remember details very well, despite their apparent social flaws, it is we whose brains take in certain parts of the story and make up the rest. In the mid 1990's DNA tests started to reveal many convicted criminals who were convicted falsely, were innocent and in the majority of these cases eyewitness identification was involved in the convictions. There have also been other various experiments set up where actors would rush into a bar with nothing in hand pretending to stab the other actor, and when the not-knowing public were questioned by the police, most people swore they saw the attacker wielding a knife even though he was actually empty handed.

What I am about to discuss briefly now, has more to do with the title of this which is what I wanted to get onto, but it is important to understand the weaknesses I have discussed and that these are just only some of the things that we know are seemingly flawed characteristics. Another BBC Horizon programme called "Are you Good or Evil" really gets to the core of what I really want to say here. This episode shows the research that has been done and found in the field of criminal minds. In essence, it identifies a gene that makes us more susceptible to committing violent crimes/ being a psychopath. I would highly recommend you watch this documentary as I cannot do it justice here. What this throws up however is the question of how do we deal with perceived criminality? Our traditional understanding of it i.e. we choose between right and wrong is  actually incorrect. In fact this programme didn't even touch on the other things I have talked about on here which also demonstrate how little choice we can often have on our actions, let alone taking into account the genetics and brain makeup of a psychopath. If you are born with these genetics and are born into a poor household (and remember, nobody chooses who they were born to!), what chance do they have in life? Me being a 'good' member of society is really due to an unfair advantage of genetics and social surrounding.

The more science reveals, not only in the world of the mind but in all areas of life, the more we have to let go of our ego and traditional beliefs. It is understandable after so many years of being bought up to believe certain things or live a certain way that we would want to defend that way of being. However, in order to truly progress as a society we need to let these go and accept that maybe we were completely wrong and that the world may work in a different way. Maybe we will have to look at the most hideous criminals with more love and understanding than ever before and realise it may not be their fault, however much we want to believe they had a choice because we want to fulfil our own sense of revenge and justice. Maybe we will have to make our social choices based more on truth than on the poetic imagery we want to create for ourselves to follow. This will force us to tackle some difficult social issues and truly challenge ourselves by asking difficult questions whether our action/reactions are actually justified towards one another.

Letting go is necessary for us to progress and despite the scary challenges it provides us, it more importantly enriches us with the increased knowledge of this incredibly complex world and you get to start seeing the world for what it really is. A thing of beauty.

How many dots?

I was talking to a friend over the weekend and I was saying how I haven't had time and been too plain lazy to put up another post. Within this discussion I managed to find a nice convenient excuse, but it does actually hold true. There are certain topics I previously posted where I don't feel I have done them justice. There is so much more to them and there is the danger of one Blog post not covering enough of the issue. But what the real problem is, which is what we picked up on in our discussion is that everything is connected and affected by everything.

Although I've just stated it's a problem, it's also what I find so beautiful about the world. The sheer complexity of everything and how they affect each and everything is fascinating and exciting to learn about. Now when dealing with certain topics, it's probably best that I tackle them in several parts. The fact is, all issues, from how we think, riots, the way we play video games, how we approach sports, how we approach music or art are all related in a way and affected by an insane amount of factors. The problem with us, is that we always seek the most reductive explanation. We fail to appreciate the complexities for various reasons. It could be to ease our minds; if we were to have a simple solution, it releases the burden of responsibility from us and we can blame the solution when it goes wrong as opposed to the lack of care in finding out the true reasons.

It can be easier and more ego-boosting for example to believe that despite having a terrible upbringing, you turned out well and then boast how you never got into trouble or did anything bad, whilst condemning those who take part in criminal acts, little realising that there clearly were good influences in their lives that helped them reach where they are and also not realising genetics plays a part in your propensity to do things.

Every little thing in your life affects you, whether it's obvious or not. And the less reductive we try to be in our understanding of the world, the more we will have to question our beliefs and the way we do things and behave towards each other. This requires a lot of introspection, patience, Open-mindedness and facing harsh truths if we want to be able to connect all the dots. The answer to how many dots can be summed up in this proverb:

The more I learn, the less I know.

It doesn't really answer it, but what I am saying is that we are deep and complex and we need to take that into account whenever we conclude anything. So I'll be back soon with some other topics that I have wanted to tackle for a while. It will be quite fun actually as a friend of mine will probably talk about this too, and it's always good to hear the other perspective.

A la prochaine!

What do you really think?

A question that often crosses my mind is one of honesty. Whenever having political discussions or debates around society in general, there will be those who disagree with your standpoint, are unsure of their own standpoint or agree with your opinion on the matter. What I usually end up thinking is whether those who agree with me actually do? I'm not saying these people are lying, but are they kidding themselves or have they just not been introspective enough to realise that they don't. The same can be said of the other viewpoints too.

To make it a bit clearer, here is an example I come across quite often where people often agree with me. Someone in the street has either fallen over or is being attacked/abused and nobody is doing anything about it. I'm no saint, but in the majority of these cases I have witnessed, I have always done something about it and tried to help the individual even if it requires just a simple 'are you OK?'. Where i haven't done this is usually because someone has already got in there before me. What I have found astonishing in these situations is the way that people do absolutely nothing but stare, which really pisses me off. You either do something about it/help the person out or go the fuck away. I was on the back of a packed bendy-bus not that long ago when a girl at the front was being harassed by a guy she did not know and he was putting his hands on her. Nobody said anything even though she was clearly stating out loud for him to go away. It was the 9 stone midget who ran to the front of the bus from the back to tell the guy to piss off or else. Again, this was a packed bus. The guy sitting next to her just ignored the whole situation and there were a few lads on there who were a lot bigger than me and the guy doing the harassing. They could have said something to the guy but they didn't. I have plenty of similar examples which is very shameful really.

Anyway, the point of this is that whenever I tell these stories or even if its about someone falling over badly and no one helping them and someone even just standing there and filming it on their iPhone without having called an ambulance (yes, this happened), people often agree with me that it's a terrible thing and they seem to suggest, at least in the non-threatening situations that they would have done something too and 'people are selfish arseholes'. But the thing is, is that although their intention may be real, I can pretty much guarantee that most of them will be just like everyone else and be the selfish arsehole.

How much of themselves/ourselves do we really know? Or is it a projection of what we believe we should think when subconsciously we couldn't care less what happens to a random stranger.

When it comes to political ideology, this is the one I have the most fun with and have to quite frankly just laugh at (particularly having been to Sussex Uni where a lot of these people were about). I'm going to keep this segment short and sweet, but basically the amount of bullshit rhetoric that comes out of some people is fucking hilarious when they are contradicting themselves in front of your own eyes. Anti-capitalism. The number of people who are anti capitalists (not just the hippies but also the 'I'm not a conservative therefore I am pro socialism and not capitalism) who's behaviours are nothing but capitalistic make me smile through my teeth. Maybe it's the sheer audacity of lying to my face about their viewpoints or the genuine self brainwashing they have done to believe they are anything but capitalists.

So before you say you believe in/agree with a particular viewpoint, think about what you do/have done and then re-evaluate that statement. It's OK to be a cunt, just don't lie about it.

Talent

The concept of talent is interesting and one that will perhaps be understood far better in the future when/if we get more breakthroughs on how genetics plays a role in ourselves and may well blow my ideas out of the water, but here is my take on it for now.

First of all, in most areas of life I believe the differences between people talent-wise are minimal. I'm not saying that some people are not born with natural advantages, but these advantages to me seem minimal. I think people look at successful or seemingly naturally talented people and assume that this is some form of gift given to them. The only thing I think is given in this sense is a singing voice and modelling looks. Vocal cords and physical looks are what you are born with and are very hard to change. However, most other things can be developed.

I can understand why when someone writes incredible lyrics or knocks out their opponents with ease that people might be baffled as to how they could get that good as it appears so effortless for them. What many people don't realise is the significant effect that the environment around you has on you. The smallest things that we fail to notice often have an influence on us without us realising it. When you look at a lot of these talented people and their lives deeply enough, you can probably start to work out what it was in their environment that helped develop them into whatever they are.

I have a friend who is an incredible lyricist and the words that he manages to put together is so mesmerising to me. A lot of our mutual friends have labelled him talented, but I think that takes away a lot from him. Although it's meant as a compliment, I think it actually works as an insult. In trying to understand this, what I found and what most other people failed to realise is that this person has grown up around literature all their life. Their parents were involved in writing and they have family involved in the distribution of books and so from a young age they were encouraged and fed words and different ways of putting words together. This surely inspired them to fall in love with words and coupled with that, this person dedicates hours and hours every day thinking about lyrics, poems and takes in other peoples literature too. This was a combination of being surrounded by and effectively being taught lyricism (is this a word?) from such a young age coupled with very hard work day in day out,  is, in my opinion, going to produce what seems to everyone else, a very talented lyricist. To just label him talented is an insult to the passion and hard work he has put into his art.

One of my coaches is regarded as a highly talented Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu black belt. Even if you do not know what sport I am talking about, if you saw a video of the stuff he does, you would be in awe of how well he  controls people and the manner in which does this. I remember a conversation I had with him about a year ago and what people may not realise is that he wasn't just unfairly given this gift of being good, he was a student of the game to the point of obsession (the obsession bit is my opinion and is meant in the good sense). He would train for hours every day and part of that would consist of going home and studying what went wrong that day in the session and obsessing on how he could improve that (If he is reading this, please correct me if I'm wrong). Most of those who practice regularly don't train THAT much. They don't go home afterwards just thinking about jiu-jitsu and why they did what they did and how are they going to do it next time. Most people turn their attention to something else, and even if they thought about it, they won't usually go back and do extra sessions to improve on those mistakes. There is the key difference. My coach should not be labelled just talented, but a dedicated student of his art in the same way as my lyricist friend, otherwise we are taking away from them the passion and hard work they have put in which most people don't.

Floyd Mayweather made a good point leading up to one of his boxing matches, stating when his opponent is training, he is training and when his opponent is sleeping, he is training.

I  feel there are various bad reasons as to why people use the word talented to describe other people. I feel it gives the person saying it about someone else a reason to feel better about themselves and assume the talented person was unfairly handed a gift, because they refused to dedicate to their life the same level of hard work required to become any good at something. It means that that person isn't burdened with the truth that they could have done something about it, but didn't make the effort.

You also often hear some 'talented' people believe it is a natural given talent because it makes them feel special and gives them a sense of superiority over others. After all if you believe you had a gift from god, then you must be one of his chosen ones (why people believe that god would give anyone the 'gift' of being able to smash someone's face in or run a tenth of a second faster than anyone else for money is beyond me).

Even if people do have an aptitude for something, Usain Bolt is ONLY actually a few hundredths of a second faster than the next guy. This may seem like light years in the world of 100 metres racing but in the real world it is only a few hundredths and we often use that difference as enough of an excuse to not try it ourselves.

We are all talented.

Having fun

After a weekend of thorough enjoyment, it certainly feels appropriate to talk about this right now. Being the analytical character that I am, sometimes I can think about things too much. Although I get great pleasure from understanding things in detail, I often have to remind myself to just have fun with whatever it is I'm doing. Analysis isn't for everyone, nor is it right all the time.

It is something I have heard many people say, which is to just have fun and they're right. When I'm getting to know people more over a drink or if I'm out boogie-ing to some cool swing band, or trying to throw a flying triangle, it's just a great feeling to let yourself go and enjoy what's going on there. This was a weekend that reminded me how good it feels to meet new great people and share the simple enjoyments with them. I witnessed passionate musicians and people getting together in a way that is so unfortunately rare but so wonderfully easy. Infectious people dancing around the busker singing Bob Marley tunes drawing more and more people in, or the djembe players who inadvertently drumming to a sort-of dance off with crowds creating the lyrics and becoming momentarily a part of their band. Watching the incredible live art show that was on display with the skill and clear passion for what they were doing was mesmerising and certainly seemed to inspire a feeling of happiness and appreciation amongst the crowd.

I was in a place where everyone was just having fun, and that's a great feeling and we should all try and do a lot more.

Weirdo

I laugh a lot. Generally to myself and often out in public.

About a week ago on Saturday, me and my friend decided we wanted to eat pizza having been out the night before. So we strolled in the rain  to take advantage of a takeaway deal from Pizza Express. After we ordered the food we sat down at a table in the middle of the restaurant whilst waiting. Feeling somewhat fragile from the last night we both sat in silence in anticipation of our lunch to be. While waiting I was gazing out into what seemed to me like empty space as I was daydreaming and reminiscing the funny shit that happened the night before. Going deeper into my gaze, I remembered something hilarious at which point I didn't realise that I had a massive grin on my face like the Cheshire cat. Having kept that expression for a while, my friend started laughing at brought to attention the fact that I was staring at a table full of people who were looking right back at me wondering "why the fuck is that freak looking at us like that all this time? and if he kills us, I hope it's not too painful".

At my work last week, we did a bit of desk shuffling, so I moved desks and had a new 'friend' to sit next to. I'm a chatty guy and so is he. It also turns out I have a certain special power. I can give people nervous twitches. Whilst doing my work I started to mumble things to myself, which lead my co-worker to twitch to wonder whether I'm talking to him or not. This is repeated throughout the day consistently. From an observers point of view, you have one guy rambling nonsense to himself and the other guy next to him twitching nervously. They keep us at the back of the office for a reason.

I like cooking. In fact, I fucking love cooking. So, putting all my habitual ingredients together makes for an interesting human being. Whilst living on campus at university many moons ago, our kitchen area was overlooking the living room/dining table area as you had to go down a couple of steps to get there from the kitchen. So whenever you were cooking, it was all very easy for everyone to see you and still have a sociable conversation. So picture this; Me, talking to my flatmates and friends who had come round whilst wielding and waving a knife halfway through the process of cooking/chopping ingredients, as I'm trying to make gestures with my hands whilst talking like most people do. Except for the knife in hand. Not normal. Added to this, during conversational breaks, I am always laughing to myself about something, whilst talking to myself and wielding a knife. My flatmates never felt so safe in their life.

Anyway, that was that and I'll see you here next time.