This would often be triggered by something tiny, such as an argument as to what day of the week was officially the beginning of the week? Weird? Yes, I know, but at the age of nine it bothered the fuck out of me. Other times it would be because I did something I thought my ridiculously strict parents would kill me for and if my siblings found out, they would induce that fear in me further, whether it was for their pleasure or they believed it was that bad too. I wouldn't want to go to school for weeks where I would throw up every morning in hope I wouldn't have to go and want to be on my own with my own thoughts where it would fester even more. It wouldn't be easy to read that I was scared of anything, my family would think I was normal and so would friends as I never expressed it or showed it. But that always felt horrible, it was an almost unshakable feeling, to the point I would be close to crying and sometimes actually would.
I haven't felt like that since I was probably 11. I learnt to deal with fear better and rationalise my problems with greater ease. It was no longer this long lasting terror of 'bad', but a manageable set of depressing issues. I have experienced depression since then and all other emotions but not that ever since.
Today I felt that again for the first time since a boy. Again, it's not triggered from anything bad but I can't help getting that feeling. I know why it is but I won't disclose it here. Not yet at least, but I'm not enjoying it. It's strange how these things happen and maybe the next few days or weeks will test me in a way I haven't been emotionally tested in a while.
A friend of mine told me recently that I'll have to go through this feeling again and again and it will be inevitable and I'm listening to that voice as it goes along so to that person, thank you because I know it's meaning and I know you were right.